A Music Student's Guide for Driving the Band Director Crazy 
(This was copied from the internet to be shared with a smile. Is Mr. Newport smiling?)
 
* Trumpets: Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the director and puts it on you, where it belongs.
* When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
* Complain about the temperature of the band room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the director is under pressure.
* Look the other way just before cues.
* Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
* Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the director know you're there as a personal favor.
* Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but
cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
* Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
* Long after a passage has gone by, ask the director if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
* At dramatic moments in the music (while the director is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
* Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the director know you don't have the music.
* Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
* Tell the director, "I can't find the beat." Directors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
* Ask the director if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
* When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
* If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the director which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
* Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
* During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the director feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.